Learned the Hard Way

Six

2009-12-11T04:47:00.000-08:00

The hardest lesson I've ever learned so far was wishing so badly for something back when you do not know why it got lost in the first place.

"..and i wish you'd just turn around and say straight to my face what exactly is wrong between us because it HURTS to see you walk away without even looking at me, explaining to me the reason you acted like you didn't see me. it's effing PISSING me off. not to mention it hurts me a lot to see my BROTHER snobbing me just like that."

Now that hurts.

Five Point Two

2009-11-20T20:05:00.001-08:00

Staying away from you seems to be demanding all my remaining SELF-CONTROL -- not that I had so much to even start with.

Lesson well-learned: Never let things get out of hand. Else you'll be suffering hideous and rotten (and not to mention embarrassing results) in the end.

Five Point One

2009-11-14T05:27:00.000-08:00

There's not much to learn, actually, because when you have a neurotic who's out of her mind because of severe depression due to a recent failure, you never really get to pull much information from her head, so it's basically downright useless to even attempt to wriggle out decent learnings from me today but I'll try. Don't blame me if you end up reading a mushy collections of senseless yabba-yabbas.

I learned that drums are really nice instruments. maybe i'll go learn how to play them si i don't have to do the front act and then i won't have to look stupid in front of people for singing so terribly.

fau and darryl are reaally nice people.

i'm stupid.

father is mad.

mother is socially suicidal. how fun. yay.

i'm hell - gotta go. nothing's right.

PS.
Julia Cassandra. I wish I could have one of your tight and warm embraces right this moment, if you ever read this.

Five

2009-11-09T03:20:00.000-08:00

It doesn't mean a single thing to me whether or not someone accepts the fact that I hate them. What matters, though, is that they don't utter a single word about me that could get me away from the good side of civilization. But then again, I don't think that matters much . . . or does it?

/*\

I have realized that no one can make you happy for eternity. It's just the matter of today that someone really does so - so trust me when I say promises that people make to you which has these three words are full of emptiness and are usually just lies:

~~I'll~~, Stay, and Forever.

I know this for a fact: you can never say that everything is planned. No matter how perfectly things might be in pen and paper, there is no guarantee that things will work out that way in reality, and to dwell on those written things will just make you sink deep into an abyss of make-believe, delving far into your thoughts, burying you under six feet of crap - six feet of loneliness.

It's never easy to forgive. Well, naturally, it's easy to say "Yeah, I forgive you, apology accepted" but seriously, you ought not be stupid enough to think it's actually TRUE, because it's ~~NOT~~. Of all things in the world, forgiving is the most difficult of them all, not because it's engraved in thought, but because it's embellished in the HEART.

I hate people who think they're crap - makes me really think it over and say, "They just might be what they think they are". I mean, c'mon, what's the point? Feeding your ego isn't good, but thinking you're inferior is way beyond sh*t. This applies to everyone except me. :)

I hate people who ruin special occasions by slinging their arms around your shoulders.

I'm too mad to type more. Maybe later.

Four Point Five

2009-11-03T07:16:00.001-08:00

I've also realized how much it hurts when you realize that everything you did were never really appreciated by the person you're doing it all for.

Four

2009-11-03T07:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we all just have to break into tears no matter how strong we are.

See, that's the problem with guys. They have this sort of - ~~masochistic~~, macho-istic - idealism of who they're SUPPOSED to be. They think crying makes a difference to whoever they are in current society. God, if all women were like men, there would be no need for emotions. All you need is a hefty dose of STRENGTH, no matter if you're hurt or not. Stupid men and their stupid ideologies.

*-*-*-*-*

I have learned that some people really CHOOSE to be who they are. That sometimes, no matter what we do with them, we can't change who they've chosen to be. Not unless they open up themselves and allow change to consume them.

I have learned that the people who really love and care about you are those who rarely say those words personally. Rather, they are those who show you unconditional love, the kind which seeks no verbalization, no response, no nothing in return. They are those who care for you not because you're their liability, their bantayan, or whatever you may be to them that may sound like you're a burden, but rather because they LOVE you, whether you like it or not.

I've learned that in life you never really have the greatest variety of choices - it's always take it or leave it. It's the possibilities beyond those choices that really make a difference.

Oh, honestly. I've found out that being painfully honest sometimes does much more bad than good. I even think sometimes that you really should just lie between your teeth, just so you can preserve what's left of a person's sanity, most importantly if that person, like me, is on the verge of losing their realities because of the going-ons around him. Truly being brutally honest can help, but sometimes it's better to just keep it to yourself. The time will come when you can confess the bad news.

I've realized that no matter how much they tell you "you are not alone", you always end up alone. Whether physically or not. Don't argue. It's a personal feeling...no emo being implied. :P

I've realized that no matter how string someone may appear, dig deeper and you'll see that that person has more to hide than you. He has a lot more to be ashamed of, a lot more to be found out. He has more pain than you, more secrets than you. He's more than what he looks like - he's hell of a lot more than what meets the eye.

I've realized that it hurts to find out that someone lied to you. It's not the fact alone that someone lied - it's the mere thought that you weren't well-enough worth the truth that strikes deep and pierces like a fang.

I've learned that sometimes, just shutting up does me some good,.

I've only realized: it's a nice feeling to walk hand-in-hand with someone you know knows he won't stay for good but is staying with you for as long as he could.

I've learned that even if you're just an only child, you could still feel the love of four absolutely INSANE brothers who love and care for you as if their own sibling. It's a heartwarming thing.

//*\\

I want people to realize that loving is always tied to pain. You can't say "I don't love" if all you manage to say is "I feel pain".

I want men to realize that crying in front of a woman shows not weakness, but a certain vulnerability that is inevitably a part of human nature. It's nothing to be ashamed about.

I want people to see the world as I see it now: tormented, abused, destroyed, but healing, renewing, living - piece by piece, leaf by leaf, seed by seed. My point? Hope is always there. Action, however, lies in you.

I want people to follow their examples. Don't promise anyone anything that includes these four words: I, LOVE, YOU, and ~~FOREVER~~.

I want people to know that it doesn't make a difference if you're emo or not. I hope they stop all the emo-goth-bum-bum-bleahs that have sprouted within the half-decade, because calling people by these names make no sense at all. They're still people.

//*\\

I've learned these things a long time ago, but it doesn't make any sense posting them as realizations. I want these people to realize it themselves.

I want you to realize that I'm not perfect, and neither are you. You don't have to judge me according to what you think is right.

I want you to realize that I'll never QUIT on you, despite the fact that I always run hot and cold with you. Like it or not, I LOVE YOU and I won't stop at nothing 'til I get that filthy, pestilential fact STRAIGHT through your burrowed THICK head.

I want you to KNOW that I'll be forever thankful for your existence. You are probably one of those who led me back to the straight path, away from the crookedness of stupid and malfunctioned decisions.

I want you to find out for yourself how very special you are in the eyes of everyone else. Yeah, sure, you've got a fat cheek - but really, you're beautiful as you are, and somebody most certainly sees that beauty. ;)

LASTLY...

I want you to know that I don't give a damn whether or not we stay forever. It may hurt if this goes astray, given that things we've shared already (yeah, and I don't need reminding), but I can handle it. I want you to know that all I care about is today. Not forever. So basically it doesn't matter that I feel as if it's you already. What matters is it's already YOU. See the difference?

Not forever, but at least today.

Three

2009-10-31T05:52:00.000-07:00

Feeling sick, but I'm okay.

*-*-*

Lately it feels like everything around me has been going around in circles; it's maddening, but it doesn't matter. It's not like I'm not mad anyway. Doesn't make a difference.

I have thought about it and I have realized that truly, truly distance makes the heart grow fonder. But it also made me realize that as soon as the distance has been established, things get harder and harder. Two hearts that have been away for too long might just eventually dissolve into nothingness, and everything - every single thing - they worked so hard for might just evaporate into thin air.

It's irritating how people never seem to get over the smallest antics. Like how fans never get over the Jo Bros. It's not like I hold grudges against, them, no, (liar) it's just that it's ridiculous how girls go gaga over them and the sheer probability of them fainting and swooning and drooling all over these boy make me sick. Same goes for the die-hard fans of Edward Cullen, and all souls who are in love with fictional or celebrity studs. Sure, they're hot, but that doens't mean you get to flip over you entire body for them. It's plain madness, and I'm already mad.

I realized the reason why I named this branch of Nyurotika© as "Learned the Hard Way" is because the things I write here are really things that I've learned in ways most haven't. So better take it from me than learn it the hard way, too, later on.

I have learned that there are some thing in life that we barely settle much interest on but end up saving our sanity. They're usually those that we'd throw aside after some time - but they're also the only ones who stay with you the moment you lose everything you have.

I have realized that the moment you utter a promise, you bind yourself to a contract that can never be broken until the promise is done. I have also realized that promises, after all, may not be such useless words, only if uttered by the most sincere of all people.

Navigations are the words on top of the page.

Life might always be unfair, but it gives back to you in one way or another, in the form of the most unusual but best gifts in existence. Bit by bit you'll realize, just as I have, that your sufferings from the past will be thrown into greater relief the moment you find something in your life that's worth fighting for, dying for, and just plainly, something that's WORTHY of all the pain you've felt before.

The best armor in this world is your own heart. Because if you have a steady belief in the strength of your ability to love, then nothing else, not even the deepest, darkest, dankest, and dirtiest evils can invade your innocence. You don't have to be loved to be able to love.

When you lose your way in a forked road, it doesn't make any sense at all to think that you've gone too far and that you can't make it back anymore. There's a choice somewhere there. All you have to do is make it.

Don't tell me things are hopeless. I won't listen one bit. There's always hope, even if it's buried under layers of hatred, sorrow, and loneliness. The truth is, you're just too lazy to find a way around it and make it back alive.

I hate people who lie to themselves. Naruto's right. It's pointless trying to make yourself believe something that you know is really untrue. You can never force someone to believe you when you yourself doubt it.

I've learned that even if you don't think you can do it, it's always best to try. Rather than regret it later and blame yourself for being such a weakling with no own feet to stand up.

I've learned that it's not just about losing and winning. Learning is a big part in the games.

I've learned that it's better to sing your heart out rather than stay locked up inside a bathroom with nothing but the dipper and the flowing water, even if you don't have a golden voice. Better that than keeping yourself limited inside a bathroom. No duh.

I've learned that there are really some people who can't keep their noses out of other people's businesses, but no matter. The best way to drive 'em away is to ignore them.

School is just a part of a bigger school - the world.

I've learned that people need pain to grow, but not to make them think they're still alive.

Never start what you can't finish.

The moment you find yourself spinning in and out of an endless void and on the verge of losing yourself, think of the fact that people other than you have made it out of there - so why can't you?

I have nothing more to say; I haven't learned much today because truth be told there's nothing to learn. It's a freaky boring day.

Ta.

Two

2009-10-30T04:23:00.000-07:00

So lazily I type up a new entry. Here I go.

*/*/*/*

I realized that staying up late until 10 o'clock inside the computer laboratory could cause a lot of trouble to deal with, especially with a single mother with the temper of a touchy Blast-Ended Skrewt.

I realized that rainy seasons this year are worse than they were last year and the year before that. Damn too much Global Warming.

I realized that to become one of the very few people who are still well-bred, one must learn to recognize that he or she may never be one.

I found out exactly how much my class meant to me. Being away from them is really something I must stay away from for the next remaining 100+ days.

Faber-Castell is truly the best brand for stationaries.

PILOT, in the hands of a very irresponsible human being, is one of the worst kind. In the hands of people who love things like these, though, they're one of the best.

A cellphone is not so important after all. Only those who have boyfriends and friend-friends can't live without them. As for me, I can definitely manage without one.

There are secrets that you sometimes have to tell others with or without permission of the person involved in the secret.

Emotional Overloading is a basic human malfunction which often leads to the maladjustment of people around fellow people. Also it may cause various defects, such as being emo, suicidal, or being someone no one wants to talk to. EO may also end up with a young girl shouting at an innocent boy for being what he is - a boy.

Promises are stupid words that never really come true. It's one of those things that are around during the first few seconds and then suddenly evaporates seconds later leaving no visible trace and a heart that's full to the brim with expectations that have been thrown out the window.

Expectations, when paired up with promises, are problematic and must never be adapted in normal human life.

People who fall in love so easily never really fall in love. Okay, maybe they do fall in love, but they don't fall in love with the people. They're in love with the feeling.

Those who don't know about the harsh reality of life, well, wake up. Life doesn't always come in big brown plastic bags with red ribbons on top and a small sign saying "Take care". It's never served in brilliant silver platters and plates, complete with white frosting and cherries on top. It can't come in full color, too, and neither does it have sweet flavorings and sugar cubes in it. You have to wrap it up in the best way you can with the biggest box and the biggest bow you can find. You have to become the best baker before you can even serve it in a glam-covered plate. You have to sprout a few blisters in your hand while holding oil pastels and pens and paint first before you can even come up with a full-colored life. And you have to learn of bitterness and sourness before you can ever find out how sweet life must be.

People do change; don't believe those who say this, because it's not true.

There's a difference between people who say "Nothing's the same" and "Everything changes". Those who say the former see it in a dark kind of way, believing that nothing can ever stay constant, not the friendship they have or the love they possess. Those who say the latter believe in neither; they just know for a fact that things are constantly evolving, whether it be for the good or the bad.

Don't think that the one you have NOW will be THE One. But don't think I'm against the idea either, because I'm not. It's just the simple matter of keeping people away from the tremendous amount of hurt that EXPECTANCY and DELUSIONS bring.

It's possible to sit three people beside the driver's seat in a jeepney.

It's never too late. Only people who have no more guts to fight for something can say this, and it's not even a fact. It's an alibi.

I've realized that one plus one may not always be equal to two. Who knows, there might just be someone out there who's ready to prove them wrong.

The rain is the best hideout for people who don't like to be seen crying, because even if you're right in front of somebody who's crying when it rains, you barely see the difference between tears of the sky and tears from his eyes.

One head is still better than two, because two heads make an even worse kind of headache.

I've realized that sometimes, letting go never really means much to other people. A mother who manages to convince her daughter to let go of her blanket never really finds out how much pain the child may feel in letting go of something that's been with her all along. A girl who is able to make a guy let her go will never, EVER, feel the kind of loss the guy felt when he let go of her.

I realized how much trust a child gives you, even in his earliest years. Just imagine, a baby lets you throw him in the air knowing you'll catch him when he falls back down to Earth; needless to say, a full-grown man would never allow his colleague to thrown him off the hundredth floor of a building even with the greatest assurance that a 10-hectare trampoline is waiting for him down below.

I guess the hardest thing to accept in this world is the fact that you're no longer accepted by everyone, including yourself. The former hurts more, the latter cuts deeper.

If it's impossible then why is the saying "Nothing's impossible" even existing up until now?

TWILIGHT is one of the worst books ever. DO NOT DISAGREE WITH ME OR ELSE.

The habit of seeing the best in others is the best habit of all, but so is seeing the worse in yourself.

A dictionary can never give you the true meaning of love, life, happiness, and freedom. They only give a definition, but never the meaning.

The moment you find out that his fingers fit yours is the only time when you can say that it's nothing less than truth that you love him and he loves you.

There's no map for your soul, so be careful the moment you lose yourself. Better yet, don't ever lose yourself.

I realized that time is a sheer illusion, because the only limit is forever, not some numbers mounted up on a round piece of material creating the irritating noise of "tick-tock".

It doesn't make a difference whether people are there or not. What makes a difference is when you feel them fading away.

I realized that I've been writing this for two hours now and all that I said are straight from my heart. What I've found out and what I know and what I've just realized within the span of two hours are all in here. My own gibberish could make a difference or not, and it's up to you, dear reader, to let it consume your thoughts and invade your sense of whether or not what I'm saying is true.

Everything I said may or may never be.

One

2009-10-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

I found out that Faber-Castell ball-pens never really do the job well, but their mechanical pens do magic.

I found out that ATi pens are irritatingly pricey but much more annoyingly brittle and weak.

I found out that some people really just can't control their stupid curiosity that they just have to poke their lengthy or else flat noses in other people's businesses.

I found out that sometimes it's wrong to assume and presume and think ahead and make conclusions; that sometimes, just going with the flow and not rushing could help you a lot in life.

I found out that my pens and pencils and notebooks and binders are my life.

I saw that he was never really that special after all; he was just a pawn in God's great game of chess, and the game is yet to be over.

I found out that God has things planned out for me, and his flowchart involves lots of serious decision symbols . . . I just have to make the right choice.

I have learned that plans are made for people with a proper army to pave the ways to their success and that I, as I don't have an army of any sort, should just keep up and make the plans as we go.

I have learned that making the first move doesn't sound so bad after all. That sometimes it can lead to beautiful and oftentimes satisfying results that can magnify your present happiness tenfold.

I have learned that games are for the bored and studies are for the diligent. Mine is just simply lazing away.

I have realized that no matter how well you think things through, there is always a greater chance that your thoughts fail and falter and flicker to death.

I have found out that life isn't all about problems and loss and fun. There are things in between that make it all a whole lot more reasonable to fight for.

I have realized that giving up something could lead to better things rather than depression and pain and grief. It's just a matter of which you want to take. The pain will always be there, but I also realized that a little lie from between your clenched jaws could do you a lot of good.

I have realized that liars are not always bad people. Sometimes, they just conceal what they don't want others to know or see for fear of prosecution.

I now know that life, love, friendship, and sacrifice are all tied up together into one small knot, and that if you try to remove one of them, the rest fall apart as well.

I have learned that moving on is essential to your sanity. That sometimes, letting go of the things you want to hold on to most could really bring out a side of you you never knew about or cared for.

I have learned that things like tiny spats, jealousy, and anger all lead to nowhere. They just interfere with your life and knock you down on the muddy ground while pressing two feet on and a hand to your heaving chest.

I realize that this is life; loss, pain, grief . . . they can't be gone from it completely. They can only be held at bay, but not for your entire lifetime either.

I have found out that secrets may sometimes do you some good. It could make others happier and brighter, and that secrets can be spilled at the right time and place. Even if it was done so by betrayal of a friend.

I have realized that everything has a reason. That the skies are blue for some reason, the penguin can't fly for his own good, babies have better lives than older people, and most of all . . .

I have found out that forgiving but not forgetting could only lead to disaster. If you don't forget, how could you forgive when the memories of the harsh yesterday still resides within the back of your mind, coming out at night when you're supposed to be at rest? I have truly found out that forgetting is impossible, and that if I can't manage to do that then I might as well try to lock them up inside a virtual barrier and try not to touch them ever again. I have realized that in order to forgive, you must let go of the reasons why you argued, and see with your own eyes the mere reality that friends come and go, but eventually they return and say sorry. And all you have to do is accept it with a lighter heart.

I have found out that "sorry" can never really do it all. Sometimes you have to move, to do something other than say a two-syllable word so that things you have done may lay abandoned and forgotten somewhere in the deserts of time.

In a day I found out things that I have come to think of as non-existent or else long gone. In a day I realized that life holds many more secrets, I just have to find out for myself.

In a day, I saw that I was so much more than what I am now.

In a day, I saw God's beautiful hands working their magic, paving the stone-and-gold road that leads me to where I should really be.